It’s been 4 years …

Wow can’t even imagine that I have actually sat down to type after so many months “thinking” about it!!  Not sure what has these little fingers going but they are and that is cool to me … I think!

So looking back I noticed the last time I posted anything on here was May 20, 2013.  That was exactly 16 days before my mother passed away suddenly from cancer.  As can be expected there was no will in me to write any more after the loss of someone so dear to me.  I didn’t know how to function really without her any more in my life as she was part of every part of my life.  From the crazy phone calls to my mobile just to say hello or the constant stalking she did on Skype to speak to us her “ungrateful” kids as she liked to call us.  Wow to have her call me was something I still long for daily.  It’s hard to deal with such a death but you do somehow and especially with the help of family and amazing friends.  I had a great support from a few friends who knew just to be there and let me lead in conversation and activities letting me live life but yet grieve in my own way.  They didn’t question any of my teary eye moments of memory or try to over “comfort” me to the point that I wished to push them away.  Because as much as people think they are being helpful, it really hurts more and brings out that anger you hear about with part of the death process.  Anger was my great friend that’s for sure for about a few years and the fuel of a lot of my actions after.  It is 4 years later and I still have anger and regret but learning how to deal with it.

My biggest regret is not having been with her when she passed away.  She had retired to Cape Verde and that was where she had returned to when she landed very sick.  We were advised by family with her that she had pneumonia and had been hospitalised to get it under control.  While there we siblings decided one of us should go down and be with her.  As I was the most mobile I booked my flight to go on Tuesday afternoon.  Just so you know there are not always daily flights to some areas in Africa and this was no exception. I was booked to leave Friday and arrive Saturday.  God had other plans as in the early hours of Wednesday, after further testing the doctors told my family to have her family arrive ASAP as she would not make the week.  It was diagnosed that my mother had stomach cancer that had quietly spread throughout her body and her body was shutting down.  We could only say good-bye via the phone as there was no way any one of us children would arrive in time.  My Mother passed on Wednesday June 5th at 7PM.  Worse day of my life had come to pass and I wasn’t there to hold her hand to let her know it was ok to go and we would be ok.  The regret of not saying good-bye is hard to deal with and might never be settled but in my heart I know she knows we would have been there!!

In fact just reflecting on it I think that I am still trying to deal with her loss.  I haven’t really settled back down in a steady balance of work and life.  I am constantly not happy and trying to find my answer in something new. I have tried with new jobs, new hobbies and traveling but still that spark of being unsatisfied remained.  This will be a work in progress that will have to be worked upon.  I used to always speak to mom on a lot of my decisions in life and I think that is why I have been so lost as no one really knew me as she did.  She knew my quirks. The things that irritated me. Things that made me happy and be productive.  That sounding board is missing and in realising that I think my next step is to truly accept that and rely on my inner voice.

Make sure to always let your loved ones know how you feel!!   The picture is my absolute favourite! She and my niece had harassed me non stop that day this was her trying to make me feel better after I said I was done with the both of them!  Love you Mom always!!


About nitchie724

Some crazy lady who wants to write out her random thoughts and occasional rants somewhere!!
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