Well it’s been ages since I’ve been on here writing. So many reasons or should I say so many excuses as to why I couldn’t sit down to write what was on my mind? Either way I decided today to stop and get back to it.
So where have I been since the last entry?? Well I moved yet again. I flew down from Toronto to Fort Lauderdale in March to assist with family and friends. I decided that as much as I love my friends and family in Toronto, the combination of winter, job hunting and grumbling Dad were not good for me. So I have landed in the land of sun – a lot of sun and unnecessary humidity – again! My stay here isn’t something I expect to be long term. I am just using it as a “finding Ana Maria” locale!
So I arrived here and not long after there was the arrival of my mother visiting from Africa. That worldwind called my mother is something you have to experience. There is no way I can translate the craziness that is known as my mother. She came to see what it was she could do to help me get out of this rut I have found myself floating in. Unfortunately in all her good efforts, I believe that she didn’t understand exactly what was wrong. You have to understand that my mother is 70 years old, raised in Africa with a very old school mentality. Saying that I could be in a state of depression was hard for her to admit. There were the questions of whether or not I put myself in this situation due to lack of trying. “Did you do …?” “Did you try …?” Yes, yes and more yes! When no really answer came forward to explain my last year she decided it was God’s will I have a hard year and that I need to stay strong. She stopped all the questions then and told me she loved me and always would be there for me no matter what! Her statement of acceptance and at the same time unconditional assistance helped more then she could have imagined. She made it “OK” that I wasn’t perfect as I wanted to be. That this situation wasn’t the best but I would get through it. After that she had a fun time dragging me around while she shopped up half of Florida. Her not dwelling on it or pushing any further was what I needed.
My mom left this past Wednesday and its scarey to admit but I miss her. She was good constant pain in my side that I enjoyed. I mean yes she sure fustrated the hell out of me but that’s a mom’s job right? As she said she came to see for herself what was wrong with her daughter and try to help. Thank you mom for being you! Instead of asking me everytime we talk if “I’m OK” and stressing when I have a bad day, she has me working on her new project. I do believe she’s trying to distract me but l don’t mind at all.
So since she’s been gone as well I have been examining me and think a reason that I haven’t found work the past months could be because I just don’t know where I want to go in life. I think I should apply for jobs in retail management as I was a retail manager for over 7 years. Yeah good thought because I loved the challenge and interactions I had with peers and customers but is it really me?? Then I think about well I was a nanny before, and oh I was an executive assistant maybe maybe maybe … Get it together woman you can’t work at all these jobs or apply to everything!! So I sat and thought that I really owe myself to finish my BA. So with that in mind, what do I want to study? What is it that will make me happy and excited again?
And that is the question I pose for myself for knowing where I want to go is the answer to fixing me. I looked in the mirror for the first time in weeks and really looked at myself and actually didn’t mind what was staring back at me. Definitely a step in the right direction. (pic of mom shopping it up in London, UK)