Well as I sit looking at this blank screen I wonder what exactly I’m going to write about? I am not a professional writer? My grammer gets mixed up a bit but does that really matter? I mean I just want a place where I can let out all my feelings. I think a journal is too boring for that and having read a few blogs, I thought why not??
Where to start?? I guess it would be why I want to express my feelings and thoughts. This past year has probably been the worse in my life and in trying to get back on solid ground I am thinking retaining my feelings is not a smart idea. 2012 started pretty much with my company on its last leg of closing down their 11 stores in UK. I as a manager was preoccupied with assisting that process, helping my employees go forward on January 14 and my thyroid surgery on the 16th. Life seemed ok but mentally I was in such denial. I’m good at that, hiding my feelings. I was lost as to where to go and what to do and my brain was doing a 360 every minute it seemed. I settled for just doing me. Trying to live life and being there for people. The negative feelings were there but I just thought it was from not finding work and that I was just over reacting to what a lot of people were going through.
Life came to a reality check when I got a wake up call in the form of my sister freaking out on the phone at me. It started with me writing on skype that I had “made a decision”. When she asked what that could have been, I answered “that I have decided not to jump off the bridge”. Well as someone who knows me very well, my sister had started noticing the negative and withdrawn comments coming from me. Living across the pond in Florida, she couldn’t do anything but try to read my mood through my words. When I made that reference to suicide it freaked her out as all signs read to me possibly being that bad. I replied I was joking which I thought I was but in retrospect maybe I wasn’t. When did I get to that thought? I know that I thought how easy life would be if I wasn’t around but dismissed it. Really me thinking suicide? I’m like one of those crazy fun loving people that others find annoying. But I hadn’t been that person for awhile. I had let negativity settle permanently in my life and affect me and my self confidence.
Where did it change? Don’t know. Why didn’t I talk to someone about it? Didn’t think I had a problem. Why? Why? With no real answer but that I had to correct my thinking ASAP! I was a bit taken aback that I could have possible been heading that way without any real thought. I have always wondered how people could commit suicide and it seems rather easily and with no real thought process. It just felt like me being gone wouldn’t have made a difference.
Well so that’s why writing is important. I have promised myself to find my self worth again and be that nutcase person. So I might write a lot, or a little, thoughtful or the ridiculious but I will be writing it with or without a lot of typos!! Ruh roh!!
So here I am!! Wait … who am I? I’m Nitchie. A black female who’s parents are from Cape Verde. I was born in Rotterdam and have lived in Holland, Portugal, Canada and UK.